Once again my mother has decided to move things around the damn house. Actually I'm the one moving most of them- shelves, books, tables, plants, beds, boxes, animals, chairs, computers, tvs . . . And to top it off, my grandma is here.

She's mad at me again. I'm not quite sure why. Wednesday she got a call from the computer lab at school saying that they found a cell phone and the number they called was listed under Mom's Cell. But she didn't even tell me that they had called or that I had lost my cell. Seannie told me on line Thursday afternoon. I don't think that's it though. She was upset with me before Wednesday. I know she doesn't like it when I go to the gym late at night. She's convinced that I will be raped and murdered or that I'll gt into a car accident. Usually as I leave the house she'll say something like, "If it is really worth your life." Is going to the gym really worth risking my life? WHAT RISK? I have done so much shit that she knows nothing about. And I came through all of it without her. Without her support. without her advice. without her interest. Even in high school she didn't think I could start a club that people would be committed to, I guess she was right about that. But was that on me or on my classmates? Why did she make me feel like it was all my fault? That it was one more thing I could add to my list of failures? The one thing I love aboput my NASA Internship is that I found out about it all on my own. I sent in the application. I wrote my own resume and went to workshops to polish it. She may have driven me to the interviews, but it was me answering questions, it was my skills, my personality. I opened my own bank account, I pay for my own gas and food. She doesn't think I'm saving anything- Hell I have money put aside for retirement already.

I should prolly get a job lined up for next year. My internship ends in December. I can't support myself witout a job.

I can't recall my mother ever telling me that she believed in me. That she thought I could accomplish anything on my own. She reminds me that I am independent, that I always have been. But what does that really mean? I've always relied on myself because there was no one else there for me to rely on. Except my friends. But I don't live with my friends. You could argue that I don't live with my family either. Did you know I'm the only Pascual in the house. Everyone else carries the last name Arce. Seannie use to be a Fennely, but mom had that changed when Seannie was still very young. Why wasn't I made an Arce? I'm also the darkest and have the straight hair. I'm a square peg in a house full of round holes. I am the question mark.

I wish I could hate her. I wish I could make a difference in the way she sees me. I wish I didn't have to wish for anything.



It is cold in this house


and lonely

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