So she find out about my snowboarding trip. For some reason she freaked out friday night when I didn't come home. She even filed a a missing person's report on me. After calling around and harassing my friends she got the story out of Audrey's poor mommy. She cancelled the missing person's report and called the police. She reported the minivan as stolen. My grandma did something like this once to her son too. In high school he got in trouble with the police for stealing cars, taking them apart and selling the pieces. He was arrestedin front of the house and she let him stay in jail for week. Now you may be thinking he deserved it but let me tell you about how she raised him. Oh wait - she didn't. She left him in Philippines when he was only 12, in the care of his older sister (my aunt) who was only 15 at the time, while she came to the States. In the States she became obsessed with the freedom she never had in her old life. It is much like the transformation my mother experienced after finishing law school. She was exposed to a whole new world. A world full of opportunities, ripe for the picking. But one cannot embark on new endeavors while past failures and misadventures still linger. I am one of those failures. a mistake. an accident. a hurdle. an obstacle. a parasite. a leech. a plight.

She called me on our way home from the trip. I had already found out from Audrey that she knew everything. She told me not to come home. She didn't want me in her house. She said she couldn't believe how stupid I was. That the car was unreliable and that I was putting people's lives in danger. She said I had no right to take her car. And that if I had just told her about the trip she would have rented me an SUV and paid for the whole thing. She asked me when she had ever said "no" to me. She said she let me go to Ashland. She let me go on my senior trip. She said she would have paid for my birthday party. At the time I couldn't speak. She has that effect on me. Everything inside me becomes solid, incapable of movement or expression. But she has said no to me. I wasn't allowed on a rafting trip with other camp counselors. I wasn't allowed to drive down to Disneyland on my senior trip. I wasn't allowed to get my drivier's license until I was almost 19. I wasn't allowed to have my friends drive me around in high school. I wasn't allowed to drive others around in the minivan. I wasn't allowed to cross the street until I was 10. The reason for all these no's was because she didn't feel that any of them were worth the risk. And I can tell you right now that driving through the snow, to the top of a mountain to fly down its sides while my feet are strapped to a piece of plastic would not be deemed risk worthy either.

Some of you think she says no because she is worried about me. About my well being. But what really troubles her is the thought that if sanything were to happen to me, she would have to be the one to take care of the situation and of me. They were risks to her. I'm a liability.

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